It’s a new year, it’s a new day, it’s a new life for us, and we’re feeling good.
ARIES: Fortune finds you eating the final agency party leftovers. Ew.
TAURUS: You must choose between two paths: one to the gym, and one to KFC.
GEMINI: Instead of resolving to say ‘yes’, you should always ask ‘but why?’ instead.
CANCER: ‘Movember’ works in November, but ‘Branuary’ is a really bad idea.
LEO: Take things slowly this month. Everyone else will, annoyingly.
VIRGO: Save the brilliant viral campaign ideas for April.
LIBRA: Don’t go outside without a scarf – you may need it for a daring rescue attempt.
SCORPIO: This month’s lucky number is Q.
SAGITTARIUS: You will receive a lot of unsolicited advice while travelling on buses.
CAPRICORN: Inadvertently saving a small child will lead to happier times and news coverage.
AQUARIUS: Future You asked me to ask you to cut that out. Immediately.
PISCES: When setting this year’s goals, cautious optimism will ensure a bit less disappointment.