Films can get very stressful. Ever since Christopher Nolan’s take on Batman even films that are traditionally meant to be fun (the type of films that have Bat Men) have become plot-laden nightmares of sadness. And really, there’s no need, because lots of films are just a missed opportunity for everyone to have a lovely time. For example, if 28 Days Later opened with proper lab security ensuring that rage infected monkeys were never released, and therefore do not spread a terrible plague, you’d get a great little film about Cillian Murphy falling off his bike and undergoing some successful surgery before returning to his parents who in this version of events, aren’t dead!
There’s other films that would benefit from this radical restructuring of their plot lines, and because no one has had the foresight and good judgement to put me in charge of a film studio, I’ll have to explain what they are here.
Loads of people end up getting killed in this film because Uma Thurman’s lead character, The Bride, is so stressed out about her former lover getting his assassination squad to beat her to a pulp and shoot her in the head on her rehearsal wedding day. If she’d lightened up about the whole thing we may have got to see her using her powers for good when she woke up from her coma, like becoming a stuntwoman or something, but instead we have to watch her enact a bloody rampage against equally angry people who keep beheading and disembowelling others.
It’s the former lover, Bill, who I blame the most though, as he set the whole thing off with his decidedly over the top reaction to getting dumped. Just get over it, Bill!
Glengarry Glen Ross
This above is one of the nicer sentiments expressed in the film. The things Al Pacino says to Kevin Spacey would make a statue of a 18th century gentleman who was stoic even in life cry, and the whole atmosphere is very tense in an unnecessary way. In case you haven’t seen the film, it’s about low-level con men who are under increasing pressure to sell off dodgy schemes or they get fired, so they spend a lot of time being miserable and desperately badgering people.
They are all so strained and frazzled that I really think the characters should try some deep meditation (I work for those meditation chaps. They know their stuff) instead of spending all their mental energy on coming up with creative ways to further ruin their lives. Or you know, they could get another job.
Kathy Bates has a lovely, friendly face. A face that would have far better suited a film called “Misery? I Don’t Think So!” where a prominent writer gets saved from a car crash by his biggest fan, and they have a great time together.
The SS needs to calm down, Brad Pitt needs to calm down, the tanks need to calm down. There really is no excuse for this behaviour when the internet contains THIS MUCH ocean-based relaxation music.
Superman: The Man Of Steel
That GIF is basically the whole film. It’s just mid-air punches and buildings being destroyed and so much flying around that nothing makes any kind of sense, all while the colour has been drained out because god forbid a superhero movie involve any sort of joy. If Superman just got himself a new laid back attitude he could wiggle out of that tight lycra and into his jim-jams, rather than indulging in massive fights that give me a headache.
Here we see a classic case where someone’s lack of control over their emotions manages to ruin everyone else’s holiday. You just want to have a good time, enjoy the view and catch some rays, but someone is there to spoil it all by throwing a tantrum about the dinner bill or driving their thousands of teeth through your midriff. It’s not on in life, and it’s not on in film. Cool it, jaws, and let the lads enjoy their boat trip.
Ah, the comforting image of many spiders emerging from your plughole. It’s a well known fact that no spiders on earth are dangerous, indeed, in Australia there are species that are especially friendly, so any panic over them is unfounded. “If you want to live and thrive let the spider run alive”, as my nan used to say. So, fill up that bath, and jump in for a long, spidery soak, this movie is now about a normal family and how spiders have very little practical effect on their lives.
You know the kind of films I like? The one’s where relationships are going well. And there’s some sort of dancing. Neither of those things happen in Gone Girl, but they do find the time to have murders and kidnap and Ben Affleck looking morose. Everyone in it just REALLY takes things too far and doesn’t stop to consider that we’ll all be dead one day and perhaps some of those things they are annoyed about aren’t so big after all. They need to unwind. Perhaps by going on holiday or looking at this relaxing brush thing sploging ink everywhere, which is amazing.
All of Shakespeare
EVERY Shakespeare film I’ve watched involved someone getting their knickers in a twist about something. Macbeth’s worried because there’s ghosts at his feast. Hamlet’s banging on endlessly because his father was murdered and according to every edgy English teacher he also fancies his mum. Something’s happening in the Tempest and it’s almost impossible to tell what that thing is. Even by barely paying attention I’ve realised it’s a right old mess!
To solve this we should stop doing adaptations of this malcontent’s work. There’s enough already.
I think the fact that it’s exhausting even just reading this goes to show that I am right, and it’s about time someone made a 2 hour film where nothing of significance happens and everything is quietly pleasant.