ShellsuitZombie’s resolutions for 2015

Happy New Year! I hope you all saw in 2015 in enviable style. My own NYE was spent playing awkward rounds of Cards Against Humanity and regretting the presence of cranberry vodka. As such, this year my main resolution is to eat less fruit. The cranberries were clearly the problem.

If you’re making a list of resolutions for 2015, give some of this a go. We can’t promise you fame, fortune and THE BEST YEAR EVER, but at least you won’t feel like you suck at everything.

Ignore anyone who uses the word ‘literally’ in the wrong context

The song ‘Word Crimes’ by Weird Al is the copywriter’s anthem. It includes a murderous diatribe against those who like to liberally sprinkle ‘literally’ all over their verbal diarrhoea. Here, watch the whole thing:

You weren’t ‘literally wetting yourself’ at the joke some guy at the pub told you. Were you? Because I imagine that would’ve been funnier still. Should anyone bluntly drop the word into conversation like last night’s din-dins meeting the toilet bowl, run a mile.

Make something your own

I’m what is commonly known as a ‘late adopter’ in marketing. I wait until a trend is almost over, and then I cling on desperately  as it attempts to divorce me and move on with life. I use Twitter hashtags made up by other people. When the iPhone 6 was announced, I looked forlornly at my battered 4S and whispered “I’ll never leave you.”

Try being the one who comes up with something new this year. Even if you had a crack at it in 2014 and it didn’t work, try something else. I promise I’ll write about it when I eventually find out four months later.

Resist the urge to only write clickbait

If you look at the title of this post, what do you notice? It looks pretty normal. This isn’t ‘17 completely new, exciting ways to make your 2015 as a trendy millenial POP!‘ – because that sounds shit.

The misleading headline is the ‘all mouth and no trousers’ of online content. Stop it. You’re not big and you’re not clever, and neither is your article on ‘THE 5 rules for being big and clever on Instagram‘.

Feel the sexy, pulsating might of the SSZ Face Off

Those of you who have yet to experience the wet kipper of enlightenment we like to call Face Offs, you are seriously missing out. Just take a look at what we got up to in Liverpool.

Once we’ve beaten the next venue into whimpering submission, get your name down for it. You won’t regret it. (Disclaimer: regret levels are inversely proportional to how well you can plank.)

Brands on Twitter: stop trying to do Q&A sessions

I have yet to see one of those end even remotely well. Please, don’t even try.

Don’t suggest an app

“There’s an app for that.” Yeah, there’s an app for bloody everything now, to the point that (apparently) you can’t create an ad campaign without one. Next!

Do something you love (for an hour or so)

People will try and tell you that ‘ do something you love’ is terrible advice. Those people are boring. They have no idea how to find an imaginative way around a problem like you do. They can’t multitask with your octopus-like dexterity. They don’t love you like we do.

You should absolutely be doing something you love – but probably alongside whatever dull, tedious things you’ve taken on primarily to survive. The fun stuff needs to be squeezed in somewhere, and if you regularly travel at peak time then you’ll be well used to that. Start with half an hour per day and see how you go. If you really want to be a creative, then be creative about it. Make furious scribbles on the commute, or find out how far that coffee shop wi-fi stretches into the park across the road. Go on. Go onnnnn.

Just bloody smile

This might be mainly a London thing.

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