The Official ShellsuitZombie Christmas Ad Review 2014

Christmas ads. Weird, aren’t there? For a start they come out at a time that is deemed by many as being far too early for Christmas, yet is deemed by ad execs as being the perfect time to start flogging Christmas products. Strange how that works. Secondly they all rely on humans having emotions for them to be effective. They want to pull on those emotions and by doing so drag you into their shops where they’ll proceed to force products down your gagging throats.

Unfortunately for them I don’t have what most people would class as emotions, so I’m going to do what any bitter, resentful human being with too much time on their hands would do: write largely sarcastic reviews of adverts. It’s what you’ve all been waiting for, you just didn’t know it yet.

Iceland.

We’ll start with the shop that I personally forget even exists whenever I try and think of shops that exist; Iceland. This year they’ve gone for that classic route of recruiting a past-it celebrity who is clearly in desperate need of work to support the children he had with another past-it celebrity, children who he still claims to love despite having exploited their family situation in many a TV show. Good old Peter Andre.

This ad shows Peter shocking someone by being, well, Peter Andre. He’s past it but he still wrote that one song that had a name I can’t remember. He then tries to shock them with the prices of the food he bought from Iceland for that meal he’ll be having all by himself because Katie Price has more money than him and, therefor, the kids for Christmas. Sadly for Peter, the person he’s talking to couldn’t give a flying fuck about his Iceland food because she has a job meaning she’ll ultimately shop somewhere better.

Zombie rating: 0 stars, because it literally has 0 stars in it.

Sainsbury’s

Next up is Sainsbury’s. This advert tries to remind you of darker times when people died for, well, what did they die for? Stupid fucking politics, really. But all it really does is remind you of the ridiculous futility of war. People on Twitter didn’t react well to it because they reckoned it was using a tragic event for commercial gain, which it was really, but you should never listen to 90% of people on Twitter because they’ll complain about everything. Bloody feminists is who I blame.

Zombie rating: 3 stars. I quite liked it because I’m not one of those dicks on Twitter. (Note: I am on Twitter and I am a dick, but the two don’t always go hand in hand.)

John Lewis

John Lewis did a good Christmas ad last year. I can’t remember if that’s how I described it in last year’s Christmas ad review but opinions are allowed to change. Anyway, this year they’ve done a shit Christmas ad where they imply that penguins would be happy living in a house with humans, wouldn’t shit all over the floor and wouldn’t make the whole place stink of the sea, causing the family to spend a fortune on a hotel while the place was fumigated. I’ve seen this ad so many times now that every time it comes on I want to, well, turn it over. Watch the horror remix instead because it’s far more entertaining and doesn’t make you want to be sick in your own hands and smear it all over your face.

Anyway, that’s Christmas done. There are other ads, like the British Gas one where they make a house too warm for penguins to live in (and rightly so) and that one where Santa does a line of coke off a credit card. But I can’t be arsed to talk about them so I won’t.

Have a lovely Christmas and remember; the corporations own you.

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