It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas. Wait, scrap that. It’s been looking a lot like Christmas since late September and by now I’m bored of it. Anyway, enough about me, how have you been? Well? Up to much? Feeling like you can’t really begin your festivities without first reading the bitter and, at times, totally uncalled for views of an exhausted writer on some Christmas adverts?
Well you’re in luck, because that’s just what you’re about to do.
Each year we take a look at the best and worst of the commercialisation of Christmas and try and turn it into something vaguely entertaining, and this year we’re doing no different. It’s what Jesus would have wanted, after all.
House of Fraser
This is different from House of Fraser’s usually Christmas lark. Why? Because it’s fucking bonkers, that’s why. From a bunch of leather-clad milkmaids at the start, an orgy at the dinner table in the middle, right through to a man with fireworks on his helmet near the end, this ad makes absolutely zero sense at all.
It’s for that reason that I love it. I’d never guess it was for House of Fraser until the logo pops up, but is that a bad thing? I think of HoF as being a place I can’t afford to shop in, whereas this ad makes me think of it as a place I can go for a really weird party. I like those kinds of parties.
Review: No idea what’s going on, who it’s for or if it’s any good, but I like it so that’s all I really care about.
Sainsbury’s have tried to be all emotional with their advert, making out that we should feel sorry for this satanist cat who completely ruins the entire street’s Christmas just because it’s cute, and you know, Christmas is about family, not presents.
It’s just a cat, after all. How could you feel anything but cutesy, sickening sorrow for this poor, clumsy ball of fluff?
I’ll tell you how – by doubting its innocence.
The whole premise of this story depends on us believing that the cat is just unfortunate. That it didn’t mean to pull off the fairy lights and set fire to the house, destroying all the presents and any hope that its family had for joy. But I don’t believe that. I believe that the cat knew exactly what it was doing, that it was sick of the same shitty presents every year, sick of being fed cat food while everyone else got to indulge in a massive fuck-off bird that it had no hope of catching by itself, that it didn’t like the way certain members of the family stroked behind its ear.
I believe the cat is guilty. I believe the cat got away with it. Sainsbury’s haven’t taught us the true meaning of Christmas; they’ve taught us never to trust.
Review: Cats are evil.
Christmas didn’t used to start until you saw the Coca Cola lorry, but now it officially starts when a high-street department store releases their Christmas advert. I don’t know which is more sad – that a holiday used to depend on a fizzy drink, or that it now depends on, well, this.
John Lewis have got a good track record when it comes to Christmas ads. Remember that one with the snowman that could move? That was good. How about that one where the bear and the hare didn’t eat each other, but instead became best friends? Yeah, that was good too. Oh, and what about last year, when a penguin got itself a bit of tail? Lovely, heartwarming stuff.
How could John Lewis ever beat that? How could they go further than penguin sex? Could they? Was it possible? Have I asked too many questions in a row? Yes!
Introducing the man on the moon. Jokes have already been made about him being some kind of hate figure, sentenced to spend an eternity in isolation thanks to some previous sins. People have already pointed out that balloons obviously can’t float that far. Many a scathing voice has highlighted that the man would have died from a lack of oxygen by now.
But let’s put all of that aside for a minute and focus on the real issue:
How did Aldi respond…
Review: Ha. Classic bants.
So that’s Christmas done for another year. See you in the same place in 2016, unless you’ve found something better to be doing by then.