Now, I don’t want to alarm anyone, but once again Christmas has thrown itself enthusiastically upon us like a marauding ape. In order to escape without injury, it’s traditionally necessary to throw as much money in Christmas’ direction as you can possibly muster, usually in the form of gifts and precious trinkets. Unfortunately it’s nearly impossible to find good gifts for people these days. We are no longer 3 foot tall, jobless reprobates desperately relying on the generosity of a kindly bearded chap for our material gain. We are adults that buy things near constantly and probably already have more than we really want or need. So in order to surprise someone with a lovely present, you have to THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX (get it?!!) and get creative! Especially if the people you are buying for happen to be creatives themselves. And that’s where this gift guide comes in. Soon you’ll be expelling excellent gifts like an Icelandic geyser, much in the manner that has recently been outlawed in the adult film industry. To begin!
Don’t know someone very well? Don’t want to spend more than £5 on their present? Buy them hot chocolate! Everyone likes hot chocolate, it’s one of the only genuinely delicious foods in liquid form. I mean, coffee may have its charms, but it isn’t the beverage equivalent of being hugged gently by the entire French rugby team in soft Christmas jumpers, is it? And this particular brand, Hasslachers Hot Chocolate, is 100% pure cacao.
Pure cacao is the real deal and actually really good for you. Well, it is until you melt it in milk and add 4 spoonfuls of sugar. Then it’s just chocolate. But if you have more grown up tastes this stuff unsweetened is fairly bitter and good for any dark chocolate snobs, whilst being vastly less expensive than similar products. You can buy it here.
Beautiful But Kind Of Pointless Stuff
When buying for a person of arty sensibilities, there is a shortcut to seeing their eyes light up with joy. And that is buying them perfectly formed, pointless curios! How about this Spaceman USB stick!
I mean, there’s probably no need for a USB stick to be shaped like a spaceman, and he (lets call him… Andrew) may take up more room in your bag. But that doesn’t matter! Andrew’s a great guy and super cool. As are these owl paper clips! And turtle push pins! Furthermore, if it’s become clear your friends and family are fed up having their clocks just sitting there in a boring clock shape, there are even these ROBOT CLOCKS!
They may rise up and overthrow us all, but they’ll look good doing it which is ultimately all that matters.
Did you know you can buy a proper telescope for less than £60? Well, you can!
My brothers and I brought this for my father last Christmas, finally thinking of something that isn’t whiskey for the first time in five years. And if you follow suit you too can have the pleasure of seeing it slowly gather dust and fall into disrepair in some forgotten corner of the house! Worth. Every. Penny.
The good thing about creative people is that they often combine a complete lack of solvency with a charming reliance on alcohol, so a hip flask is the perfect gift.
A hip flask is the ultimate hipster accessory (we are all hipsters now, we might as well embrace it) because they are an interesting, stylish object that also makes allusions to the character of its owner. They are imbibed with the suggestion of a roguish, devil-may-care attitude to personal health which has been very fashionable since Bryon soaked up sexual diseases like a man-sponge in the 1800s. For more hip flask ideas, check out this helpful list.
Illustrated Bit and Bobs
This website of illustrated trifles is a goldmine of the cute and quirky, in a much less annoying way than those two words usually suggest. Notebooks, the eternal favourite of all creative souls, are beautifully decorated here, and there are adorable fox brooches and excellent prints and generally things that make you salivate all over yourself, like that dog in Turner and Hooch.
If this doesn’t quite cut it in your quest for irresistible fripperies, you can find decorated t-shirts (like the one shown) and bags here . Really, from now on, there’s no reason why everyone you know shouldn’t be entirely decked out in illustrated gear, supporting artists and looking fabulous.
Nicholas Cage Pillowcase
This doesn’t need much explanation, in my opinion. Just consider resting your sleeping face upon Nic Cage’s smiling one, every night.
Who knew there existed a pillowcase so seductive? This is one surefire way to be a Christmas hit, especially if you measure your Christmas hit rating by how bemused and upset people look after they open your presents.
One of the things about people who work in the creative industries is that they all seem to have a huge amount of stuff. I know, from personal experience, that it’s possible to own about four rooms worth of things all squished into one. This stuff is 90% old pens and bits of cake. SO. We need a place to put this dross. I know you all want to show love to those creatives in your life and what else says love like a… Paper storage unit!
Woooo! The Coldplay of presents, it might be slightly disappointing but it’s ENTIRELY NECESSARY if you don’t want your designer friends smothered by pencil shavings and those oil paints they haven’t used since Sixth Form.
Transfer tattoos have come a long way since I was young. I used to buy them in Claire’s Accessories while my more precocious mates would steal pregnancy tests from Boots. Remember how half of the tattoo wouldn’t stick to your skin properly and you’d spend the rest of the day picking greying gunk out of you arm hair? Well now you can spread these memories to your friends!
Except now the designs are much, much better than when I was a tween. So in the two hours before it starts peeling off and looking like someone has surreptitiously snotted on their skin, the recipient of this gift will look AMAZING.
Game of Thrones Gifts
There’s bound to be a Game of Thrones fan in your cluster of friends and family, why don’t you impress them with this lovely Stannis Baratheon pendant from Etsy?
I don’t THINK it’s edible but I can’t be sure. I can’t ascertain whether it’s a boiled sweet or highly glazed sponge from the picture, but if it is this can only be a plus, surely? This being said, if you prefer your high fantasy products to NOT be strangely crafted foodstuffs, you can buy some excellent Game of Thrones merchandise here
Little Flying Helicopter
I’ve mainly included this because I’ve wanted one ever since my my cousin flew one about the living room some years ago. Apparently he was a “child” and “children get toys” and I should stop “throwing things” but really EVERYONE deserves an actual flying miniature helicopter because they are awesome. You can pretend you lead a battalion of tiny soldiers and their army is terribly under funded and only has one working helicopter. That’s just one of the things you can pretend with this brilliant gift.
Incredibly Lovely Books
The Folio Society is the undisputed king at supplying beautiful, almost-too-expensive books. This is where I head to when I’ve run out of ideas because you really can’t go wrong.
I mean, it would take someone exceptionally soulless to look at a front cover that gorgeous and go “meh, would’ve preferred the money”. And if they do, you can legitimately never talk to that ingrate again.
This is an inflatable R2D2 that you can make dash about your home. This is Peak Present. If you find anything better I’ll make a shirt out of haggis and wear it for a week.
There we have it! The ShellsuitZombie Christmas Gift Guide, done for another year. If you still can’t think of anything to buy that particularly difficult person, fuck it, get them a Venus Fly Trap. Always a winner.